1.28.2008

State of the Apartment

My friends, I would like to take this opportunity to share with you the State of the Apartment as my two roommates and I near the midpoint of our lease.

Our two-bedroom apartment had a successful first apartment-wide convention back in August. The main point of contention was the dispute over rent; the large state proposed a plan for each state to pay equally which was met with just opposition from the two smaller states who proposed a much fairer plan. After much deliberation in a hot and humid room, a somewhat amicable settlement was reached.

Shortly after the great Rent Compromise of August, the Apartmental Congress overwhelmingly passed the historic Charter Charter which was needed to establish timely payments of the bill to maintain the security of our stragetic inter-apartmental communications system.

Today, despite those earlier legislative triumphs, the state of the apartment could be better.

In some areas, the apartment runs like clockwork, once such example being the Department of the Interior. In nearly six months there have been no complaints concerning the kitty litter box.

In other areas we have had to come together for a solution. We have to deal with the rising cost and perpetual scarcity of milk. As we all know, our apartment has to import all of its daily milk requirements, which leaves us vulnerable to the whims of the White Hen Pantry. There is no quick fix to this problem, but if we all use what milk we have wisely, we should get through the time to the next trip to the grocery store.

Our policies have been historically successful. Our move to shut the outer aluminum storm windows has successfully mitigated the effect of changing atmospheric temperatures. It's too early to tell if the atmosphere will continue to deviate from normal temperatures. To deal with the ongoing issue of apartment safety, as this is the city, the front door will continue to be locked routinely as well as the windows.

To continue our success, tonight I am proposing a some legislation. The first is the Clean Dishes Act, which says in short, if you make it dirty, don't just stack it up in the sink and look at the rest of us like we're supposed to wash your dishes, the both of us have already washed our own and you should have figured out the pattern by now.

The other is the much needed Take out the Trash Act. The premise is the same as the proposed Clean Dishes Act. Dude, it's seriously starting to pile up and we both know you know because it's totally going to start to block your bedroom door soon. Both Acts have already cleared the committee.

If we adopt my proposals, I know our apartment can continue strong into this next year.